Ambivalence: simultaneous conflicting feelings. I have a very good understanding of this word today. We got a call this morning with a possible referral. When I looked at the caller ID and saw it was our agency, I was beside myself with excitement. No one can understand how this feels unless you have experienced it. You wait and wait and wait, and then you wait some more. Then when you get a call you can't believe it's finally happening. The coordinator from AWAA called with a shared referral (meaning this child is being looked at by multiple agencies). She told me her name and DOB, but I can't share it on my blog. She was about 2 1/2 and had 3rd degree, unrepaired cleft lip and palate as well as congenital heart defect, unrepaired. Those are all special needs that we are open to, however when you put it all together, it is more than we feel like we can deal with. We don't want to make a decision about a child because we are tired of waiting and frustrated with the whole thing, we want to make the right decision based on our family and what's best for the child. After talking with Bo and getting some much needed reassurance from Melissa, I called them back and declined it. This was all done while crying and feeling like I wasn't going to make it through. So yes, I know what ambivalent means. I know this little girl will be adopted and as the coordinator at AWAA said, now she has another person praying for her. I think that when we get the call, if we do get a special needs referral, I will feel a sense of peace about it. I don't think I should have a feeling that it's not the right thing. Aside from feeling so incredibly sad about turning this little one down, I am excited to know that at least we got a call. I had been thinking just yesterday how exciting it will be to at least get a call and hear something. God answered that for me, and I know that he will answer the rest of my prayers. I never would have imagined when we began this journey 2 years ago how difficult it would be. Today was certainly the most difficult of all. Please say a prayer for a little girl half way around the world that is waiting for the right family for her. God knows which one you are praying about.
3 years ago
1 comment:
As another AWAA family, I just wanted to encourage you. The possibility of not pursuing a referral once we received the call never crossed my mind. Our first AWAA adoption was NSN and I thought the SN call would be similar. We received a call in Jan. 2008 with a little girl on the shared list. We were very excited and began to pursue immediately. However, upon further discovery of the medical information, the brain damage that occurred in the wound would have severe impact on her life. She would required 24 /7 care probably for life...and a possibile prognosis of dying before adulthood. We also had to make that very difficult call to our FC and decline. We knew this was not the child for us to pursue for several reasons. However, I had never imagined declining. Now...moving forward. We got another call in Feb. 2008 and chose to pursue a little girl with limb differences of both arms. We will be leaving for China on May 3, 2008!!! We know this is the child God has for us. I just want to encourage you to trust God, stay in His Word, and know that His perfect plan will unfold.
Fellow adopted mother, and AWAA friend
Alicia Smith
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