A Week of Weakness and What If's

Overall, this hasn't been a very good week. I feel like Satan has had my number all week and he has been hurling sharp arrows straight at me. I feel like my shield has been penetrated and I'm having a hard time getting it back over me. Does that make any sense? I've had a lot of "what if" thoughts this week. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited about our little girl and I do believe that God handpicked her for our family, but I guess the weak human part of me has been asking a lot of questions this week. Will she be able to do this or that, will she be healthy, will she have any other health problems that we are not aware of and if she does, how do we handle it. Am I strong enough to parent a child with special needs, am I going to be able to do all that it takes to be the mom she needs? What if........ That seems to be theme of the week for me. But as I'm reminded and perhaps have forgotten this week, you either trust HIM or you don't. I think it's only natural to have questions, but I don't like the way I have felt this week and the questions seem like they are taking control of all of my thoughts. It's not a fun place to be and I covet your prayers that I might soon escape this slump that has gotten me down. Above all, pray for our Emma. I have seen a more recent picture of her in the orphanage and she looks so sad and I can't stand it. I just want this to be over with and get her home where we can deal with whatever is ahead of us. Pray that with God's help, I can be stronger than Satan's arrows. He is robbing me of my joy right now and I want it back.

Thursday's Thoughts

Thursday again? Where has this week gone? We are almost back to "normal" with our bathroom situation. The tile is finished and we have to let our bathroom dry until tomorrow and the kids bathroom has sealant on it. Brady is having a hard time using the bathroom downstairs. That involves too much energy coming down the steps! Teenagers:)

Brady broke it to his bassoon teacher that he doesn't want to take lessons anymore. He just wants to take guitar lessons and that's fine with me. I think he is going to take a hiatus from lessons until October due to the busyness that is ahead. That also suits me fine. He hates to practice bassoon and he is obviously not going to be in a symphony someday!

I did manage to slip in a little nap today. I am working the next 2 nights and am hopeful for good nights ahead. One thing for sure about working in the ER, you never know what the night might bring, but you always pray for the best.

Thanks to the magic of the Internet and yahoo groups, I have seen another picture of our Emma. Poor little thing looks so sad. I am reading good things about the SWI that she is in. The nannies there seem to really care for the children, but of course, it's an orphanage and the children need moms and dads. I will be so glad to finally get this behind us and get her home. She looks like she needs a good dose of love and care and I know we are the ones that can give that to her. I really appreciate the person who gave me the lead on the picture!

Off to get ready for work. Day 11 and no PA. I'm betting next week, but it could happen tomorrow. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Cute pictures!

For some reason I can't post my pictures along with the previous post. Just another thing to drive me nuts:)

Wednesday - Why Can't Things Simple

Customer Service. Is that a thing of the past or what? For the last 2 days I have been trying to contact the Homeland Security Citizenship and Immigration Service. Has anyone answered the phone? Yes, a recorded voice of a man that says leave a message and they will contact me. Has that happened? Of course not. The reason that I am having to contact them is due partly to a mistake that I made when sending the fee to be fingerprinted again for the THIRD time since we started the adoption process. Of course, the last 2 times the fee was $140. That's what I sent this time and now the fee is $160. After realizing that I had made the mistake, I sent another $20 money order and of course on that same day I received the original money order and the paperwork back in the mail telling me that I needed to pay the right amount. So instead of some person calling me and inquiring about this, they just sent it all back to me. Now I guess I need to wait on the other money order to get sent back to me and then resend it all again. And I ask you, have our fingerprints changed in the last 2 1/2 years? What really irritates me is that my tax money is used to pay their salaries and nobody even bothers to call you back or correspond in any way. That drives me crazy.

Next customer service complaint. I had to make a trip to Springfield today for Ashton to have a follow up with the eye doctor. (Receptionist person, no comment.) Our plan was to make a quick trip to Walgreen's to have his passport picture taken. Of course, Walgreen's tells me it will be over an hour. But wait a minute, your sign says "wait free passport pictures". Never mind false advertising. Walgreen's graciously tells me that I can go to Walmart and they will do it because they have 4 printers and can get it done fast. Okay, trip to Walmart begins (everyone knows how I hate Walmart). Stop at the photo store in Walmart and after calling someone on the phone and getting the camera out, the helpful employee tells me it isn't working and they can't take the picture for me. I pointed out that perhaps she should take down the passport photo sign that is hanging in the entrance of the store. Next trip, CVS pharmacy. Nice lady, very helpful, computer doesn't work and it will be at least an hour before it's up again. I just smile and tell her never mind, tuck my tail and head for home, incredibly put out with the system. So now, I will attempt to get that done next week, along with the million other things on the list. And as my husband would say, "are you whining".

Our bathrooms are almost finished. The boy's bathroom is finished and the tile looks good. Hopefully ours will be finished tomorrow. It's amazing how it throws off your system to have to go to another bathroom to shower and dress.

I hadn't mentioned the boys camp experience with everything else that is going on. They had a blast and Ashton can't stop talking about it and how much he misses it and wants to go back. Almost to the point of driving me insane. Brady had a lot of fun too, but doesn't seem to be as enthralled as Ashton. When I picked them up on Friday they were tired and stinky. Ashton came home and crashed in my bed. I wanted to share his adorable face with everyone during his post camp nap. Not a pretty sight.

Camden spent a few hours with us yesterday while Brian and Melissa took Rory to the doctor. Camden and Ashton had a blast playing video games and hanging out. I took Brady to Sylvan and the boys and I had a couple of hours to waste. We went to TCBY for frozen yogurt and Camden was thrilled. He had a cone with gummy bears on it and was so cute eating. He got down to the last bite and looked at me so seriously and said "This is our little secret". I agreed, but of course I had to tell his mom. Too funny.

During our time kill while Brady was at Sylvan, we also went to the library. They were having some type of program for the little ones and there were kids everywhere. As I sat with Camden in the children's section of the library and looked around at all of these kids running wild and playing and laughing, I almost felt overwhelmed. Bo called during that time and I told him I wasn't sure if I was up to the toddler, preschool years again and he just laughed. I guess you just fall back into that routine. I hope so:)

It's day 10 waiting on our preapproval from China. I am hoping we hear something this week. Keep praying!

Sunday - No Day of Rest Here

Well, I worked Friday and Saturday nights and I have to work again tonight. I have tried really hard to sleep today, but it has been one of those days when my brain just refuses to shut off and let me rest. All I can think about is how much we have to do in the next few weeks. The list just keeps growing and it's driving me crazy thinking about it. I'm trying to work as many extra shifts as possible because we certainly need the money, we have to have our stupid fingerprints done AGAIN, we have to refinish our basement, which means we have to be able to get to our basement. Bo and the boys worked yesterday cleaning it out and trying to purge some of the junk we have, but we still have too much stuff. We have to complete a nursery for little sister, which means I need to concentrate on how I want it decorated. I am no decorator. I don't like the pressure it makes me feel. I'm strictly cut and dry. I mean I have no curtains or pictures in my living room because I have been thinking about what I want ever since we had it painted. That was at least 4 years ago. Are you seeing a trend here? I am. I have to start thinking about the packing list for 4 people (if Ashton goes) to spend 2 weeks in China. Oops, make that 5, because I have to pack for little sister too. We have a family reunion on July 3-4 that I have to help plan things for as well as work the night of the 4th and then we are going on vacation the following week. Now that is what I'm looking forward to. A week at the beach with a good book or 2, which will probably be about toddler attachment and bonding. I feel guilty if I attempt to read anything else. Oh, and we are having tile put in both of our upstairs bathrooms this week. After 15 years at a house, the bathroom floors can become an issue. So you see, I'm having a little anxiety. I don't want to be too stressed about things because that only takes me away from enjoying the fact that I am finally getting my daughter. Oh, wait a minute, that has some stress involved with that too. I'm starting over again. I will be almost 41 by the time little sister gets here and that has some stress involved with that too! Well, that may be more about hormones that anything else:) I keep telling myself, age is just a number. Yeah, right:) So please pray for me as I try to concentrate on the important things right now, such as keeping my sanity and not driving my family and friends insane.

Adoption update: check out my friend Maria's blog and read her good news. It's looking like a happy ending after all! Keep them in your prayers as well.

Well, I have to cut it short. I have to drink a lot of coffee so I can be prepared for my 12 hour shift in the ER. Sunday nights can be challenging and after being there the last 2 nights, I tend to be a bit crabby. I fake it it well, but I'm still crabby.

Thursday's Thoughts

Well, I have enjoyed being home today. My house is crazy and although I have not gotten a lot done today, I have managed to clean out Ashton's closet and get rid of things he has outgrown. I also went through the rest of Emma's things and separated them out and found more things that I'm sure she will never be able to wear. From her medical history, which is several months old, she is a chunk. I hope she will be able to wear some of the 12-18 months things that are so adorable, but I'm not sure. Oh well, those are just clothes. She has an abundance of 18-24 months as well. Poor child, nothing to to wear:)

I worked hard in the ER yesterday with this new cleaning project and I have to admit, they got their money's worth yesterday. I was exhausted last night. I actually slept in this morning and it felt so good. I think some of that inspired me to start doing some more cleaning around here. When I think about what all has to be done in the next couple of months it blows my mind. What were we thinking waiting so long to get these things done! Talk about denial. We work well under pressure and now we are in the pressure cooker. I don't even have a nursery theme. What kind of mother am I? When you have big boys in the house you just become numb to cute little girl things. I mean it's about picking up stinking socks and underwear, praying they will flush the toilet and please raise the seat! (I am referring to my sons, not necessarily my husband:) This is going to be an eye opener for us - me especially. I've been the only female around here for so long that I sometimes stop thinking like a girl and think like these goofy guys that I love so much. I can hold a conversation about sports, fishing, etc. as well as anyone. Now we have to think in terms of dolls, dresses, hair bows, tights, tea parties, etc. I may be out of my league:)

I love the group Casting Crowns. They are one of my many favorites Christian groups. On my drive into work yesterday I was listening to them and it was like I was hearing a song for the first time. I think the title is Caught in the Middle and in the chorus it talks about having deep water faith in the shallow end. For some reason (GOD) that just stuck in my mind and I have thought about it so much. I enjoy swimming in our pool, but I am not a great swimmer. The boys are wonderful and can swim like fish, but I never really had lessons enough to make me comfortable. When we are playing around in the pool, Ashton loves to jump on me while I am in in the deep end and he knows that I just panic. Of course, he can do it in the shallow end and I am fine. When I thought about that in terms of faith, it is so true. It's really easy to have faith as long as we are in the shallow end of the water. I can touch the bottom, so I'm not scared. Toss me into the deep end, and that is a different story. We can apply that to any area of our lives. When God asks us to step out of the shallow end and get the water over our heads, are we willing to do that? Do we question him and reason with him about how we are not able to touch the bottom and we would rather stay where we are comfortable? I know that I have been guilty of that and probably will again. Our Emma will have some obstacles to overcome and that means we will too. She is missing some of her toes and she is missing all of her fingers except her pinkie fingers. When I look at her hands, I wonder about the challenges she will face. I still think that she will adjust so well because she has never had 5 fingers on both hands, so if you don't know what that is like, that is your normal. I have been trying to use my pinkie fingers as I do some of my daily things and there are things that are really challenging to do. I can't do some of those things, but I've always had 5 fingers. So we may not know all of the things that are ahead of us, we never do, but we are willing to step into that deep end. God is my life preserver and he won't let us drown. He created our daughter the way she is for some reason and I look forward to seeing what this little gal is going to accomplish in her life. When I look into her eyes, I see a future that is wide open with a family that adores her already. So please pray for us as we continue to wait on bringing her home. We are excited about jumping in the deep end and eager to swim with God's direction.

As time goes by, there are so many other things I want to share in this blog. Things that have opened up my eyes to God in a way that I have never seen them before. It's amazing how God works when you just let him take control and you stop trying to be the one who directs everything.

Wednesday - Still Trying to Take it All in

I can't believe it's already Wednesday. With everything that has been going on over the last few days, this week is flying by. We are enjoying having some quiet time with the kids gone. I miss them, but I know they are having so much fun, that just makes it easier for me. I "worked" yesterday. I had been roped into attending some type of class regarding managing, running a lean ER, etc. It was basically a class to teach us to clean and consolidate our materials, space, etc. I saw it as an opportunity to get paid for cleaning. I get to do it again today. Now if someone would just pay me to clean my house, maybe I would be more enthusiastic about it.

I think everything is slowly starting to sink in. Our paperwork has been sent and now the next step is to wait for a pre-approval from China and then a referral acceptance. I am not sure of the time frame for all of this, but with the current trends, it could move relatively quickly since we have been waiting so long. There is no real knowing when it comes to this. We have to get our fingerprints renewed and I am waiting on that paperwork and we have to get Ashton's passport. I can't believe I didn't have that done already. I knew he would change his mind about traveling. Although he hasn't said it for sure, he is certainly leaning in that direction. Even though there will be some drawbacks to having both kids with us as well as a baby/toddler, I want them to experience it all. They have waited for 2 years and heard about adoption until they have probably wanted to scream and now that it's finally happening, I don't want either of them to miss out on it. I am certain it will be during school and I hate for them to miss 2 weeks of school, but what a field trip. I think 2 weeks in China will teach them more about life than sitting in a classroom. Now, will we ever get the work caught up, I don't know!

It was exciting to share our good news and her little face with my work family yesterday. They have shared our wait with us and it was wonderful to get to rejoice with them. I have been blessed to work at a small hospital where it really does feel like family. It's also such a joy to get to share how God has worked this out for us. Most of the people I was working with yesterday in this class I had never met before and don't know what their feelings are about God, but they certainly know mine. They probably didn't want to know, but it is one of those "shout it from the roof top moments" in our lives and I want to make sure everyone knows about how God has blessed us and answered prayers. I hope that I can use this, along with other areas in my life, to witness to people. You never know when you might strike a cord with someone and God will use that.

Well, it's off to clean and rearrange on the clock. Again, if Bo would pay me to clean our house it would just be much easier to do:) Thank you for your continued prayers.