My Constant Struggle

There are days that I don't think about it much and then there are the other days. The days that I can't stop thinking about it and wondering what if....




Are we supposed to adopt again or not?



There, it's out there. I've said it. The thought is one that I constantly battle with. I don't need anyone to tell me what to do or what they think we should do, especially if you have not experienced adoption. I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm just telling you that until you have experienced it, you will not understand.



I have a picture of Emma that I have never shared on this blog, nor would. it. Suffice it to say, it''s the picture that I look at on occasion and think "what if". What if we had not adopted her? She is so sad looking in that picture that it breaks my heart to look at it. But the sad reality is there are MILLIONS of Emma's out there (and boys too) that are in that same situation. They sit and they wait for a FAMILY. Something that most of us take for granted. Everyday children age out of the programs. They will NEVER have a family. A mom or dad or grandparents to love them and comfort them and support them. That reality tears at my heart and if I would let it, and maybe I should, I would never be able to close my eyes at night and sleep while children around this world wait on a family.



So there it is. My struggle. It's mine alone because in all honesty Bo would jump on board in a split second. But I am also a realist. I know how hard it is to take care of my kids, work, keep a home, be a wife, take Emma to numerous appointments to help her with her development, etc. I also know what my bank account looks like and right now there is very little wiggle room. Teenagers are expensive. Car insurance, gas, clothes, FOOD, school, FOOD, etc. I also realize how little time I have. No, I don't work full time outside of the home. I do work part time and am thankful for that. Some weeks are more "part time" than others and I am thankful for that as well. But I have so little time it seems. Between school, appointments, extracurricular activities that the guys are involved in, and life in general I feel like most days I don't give anyone enough. That includes myself and that is certainly not my biggest concern.




I'm 43. Bo is 45. No, that's not old and a lot of people adopt at that age, but I'm tired. Bo has been complaining that I have been snoring a lot at night (the pot calling the kettle black). HELLO, I'm tired. I can't help it if I snore. It's a wonder that I don't fall asleep sitting here while I type. What's the deal? I used to have more energy than I knew what to do with. I'm really sorry I wasted it when I was younger:)




I have a son who will (fingers crossed) graduate in another 1 1/2 years. He will then head off to college (I hope) and then I will have another right behind him. Emma will just be in kindergarten and what an exciting time for her. I remember how fast those days go! The selfish part of me is looking forward to seeing my sons leave the nest and start lives of their own. The selfish part of me wants to take that road trip that Bo and I have always talked about and see the country. The selfish part of me can't wait for that Alaskan cruise that we have planned for our 25th anniversary. The one that my change jar is collecting for! So yes, I'm selfish in those ways.




The other part of me keeps thinking about how much I love my girl and how it has completely changed our lives in so many ways. Adoption opened my eyes in so many ways and I am thankful that GOD allowed me the opportunity to experience it. It's a privilege. It's not for everyone and I realize that, but it was for us. However, I'm not sure that it's for us again. If GOD has it in our plans, I don't want to turn my back and say this is not a convenient time Lord. I want to do exactly what He would have us do, but the problem is that I don't know for sure what that is. Maybe I'm not praying about it enough or maybe I'm not allowing God to really speak to me. All of those things may be true.




The other very selfish part of the equation is the PAPERWORK and the WAITING. I don't think that I can stand it again. I'm just being honest. I know my limitations and I don't think that my nerves could stand it again. And then I get an e-mail from Rainbow Kids and realize how selfish I am being when I get a waiting child update and I wonder if that child is supposed to be ours. So what is a "little" paperwork.




So I struggle. Is it a faith issue? Perhaps. I had great faith that God would provide for us during Emma's adoption, and He always did. I know that He will do the same again. But I think that God wants me to search my heart and find my purpose. Is it to help others with their decision to adopt? Is it to give to worthy organizations that are taking care of orphans? Is it to eventually get to travel and be involved in medical mission trips? Or is it to adopt again? I don't have the answer for that last question.




My friend Leslie had a line on her blog post over the weekend that has resonated in my head. Someone had commented that "You will never regret having more children, but you may regret not having more." Okay, so those words have really been hitting home with me.



I don't know what the answer is for our family. I will continue to struggle with it I'm sure.